Lets face it, this mum thing can be bloody hard sometimes. By no means am I professing perfection - we too have days where there is more hitting than hugging and more crying and smiling - however, I do have a few tips and tricks that have worked for us over the last 4 years....
The Brain
So understanding how our kiddies brains are working really helps to see the bigger picture when you're in the thick of trying to "reason" with your three year old about why they can't have the dog food for dinner! Our brains are not fully mature until about the age of 25. And do you know what the last part to develop is? The pre-frontal cortex, the part that helps us to focus, be involved in complex planning, decision making and emotional regulation. Our personality traits, risk-management skills, impulse control and logical thinking are also controlled by the pre-frontal cortex. So if this part of our brain doesn't fully develop until our mid 20s, then I think we can give our little people a break when they struggle with things that are quite possibly beyond their brain's capacity!
Why is my child acting like this?
On the days where you say for f..sake under your breath multiple times... the hitting, biting, kicking, refusal, pushing and throwing are actually really normal types of behaviour for toddlers and children. Sorry, but it is. It is a way, when they do not have the verbal skills or social cues to express what they want and they do not have a brain capacity to UNDERSTAND how they are feeling or what to do with those feelings. (Hey, some adults can't do that!)
I know in our household, my almost-4-year-old will hit and kick and cry while dramatically throwing himself on the floor when he feels that he has unfinished business or that I am not listening to him. I know this because a few times after he has calmed down I asked him why he did that. One time he said "Mumma you weren't listening to me and I wanted to do it myself but you did it". So after I found that out, I undid whatever it was and allowed him to do it himself. He smiled with satisfaction and we hugged. Mums, we don't always have the time to redo the things, but if it is in the back of our minds, then maybe we can sometimes.
What can I do?
I'm just going to list a whole bunch of strategies here so you can pick and choose the ones that might work for you and your family.
Get down to their level - actually kneel down and try to make eye contact. Sometimes, asking "hey, what colour are my eyes?", is enough to break the cycle.
Remember that they are usually trying to express something - in our case, 9 times out of 10 it is about wanting a toy that their sibling has or wanting to start or continue an activity that they would like to do, rather than what we have asked them to do (get dressed, hop in the car, etc).
Ask questions like, "what is it that you would like to do?", "which toy do you want?", "It's ok to be angry/frustrated, but it's more fun when we are happy, so how can we make this better?" and then coming up with a plan/compromise to solve the problem. (Again, we don't always have time to do this, but there is method in the madness here - we are teaching them the skills of self-regulation and problem solving!)
Be a role model - for me and my hubby, this has been the most hard hitting and most successful in terms of starting conversations about feelings and emotions. When we heard about this, we really had to look at ourselves and decide to change the way WE reacted to feeling angry/frustrated/sad, etc. Tell your kiddies how Mumma/Dadda is feeling, why you are feeling it and how you are going to make sure you are happy again. For example, when I was driving the other day, I tooted another car and yelled "whoa, how about learning to use your indicator buddy!" and tooted the horn as I had to slam on the breaks. My 4 year old in the back said, "what happened Mumma?" and I said, "Well another driver didn't follow the road rules and Mumma felt annoyed because it was a bit dangerous. It's ok, we are safe, so I'm going to take a deep breath and hope that that car is safe too". I know it sounds silly writing down like this, but by saying things like, "it's ok for you and other people make a mistake, that's how we learn to do things the best way", "we can forgive everyone", "let's take a deep breath and be happy again"... we are teaching our kiddies to CHOOSE how they feel, rather than living life on autopilot, being run by our reactions.
Use essential oils (of course!) - Now in our house, we use doTERRA essential oils (our kiddies say special oils) to help support our immune systems, purify the air and reglate mood. The best oils that work for us are as follows:
Balance - Helps promote a whole-body sense of relaxation, a sense of calmness and to evoke feelings of tranquillity and balance. At our place, we use this on the bottoms of the feet or down the spine when tantrums are happening.
Lavender - Add a few drops of Lavender to pillows, bedding, or bottoms of feet at bedtime. We use lavender ritually in the diffuser in the evenings. I pop the diffuser on at the same time I run the bath. It helps to create neuropathways in all our brains that promote restful sleep.
Lavender Peace - Diffuse at night to create a calming environment. Massage onto bottoms of feet at bedtime to help unwind before going to sleep. Inhale directly from hands or diffuse throughout the day for a soothing and calming aroma. Apply 1–2 drops to the back of the neck or on the heart to help promote feelings of calmness and peace. We use this when tensions are high!
Easy Air - Diffuse, inhale directly from palms, or rub on chest or feet when environmental threats are high. Use when outdoors at times of seasonal threats. Diffuse at bedtime for a restful environment. This has been a fantastic support to us at bedtime too. We combine it with Lavender or Lavender Peace. However, during the day, it helps us to "take a breath", so I might pop the diffuser on in the day time and combine it with Wild Orange.
Wild Orange - Diffuse for an uplifting aroma. Blends well with most other essential oils. It helps to promote a positive mood and can help us feel uplifted and happy.
Calmer - Calmer is a blend of essential oils that promotes a serene atmosphere, allowing bedtime to be a peaceful and welcomed experience. Rolling Calmer onto the bottoms of feet and the back of the neck helps create a stress-free mood when tensions are high. It can be purchased on it's own or as part of the Kids Collection.
Vetiver - The Ultimate - the big guns! Use as a massage oil to calm emotions. Diffuse with Lavender and balance to provide a sense of balance while calming emotions. We use this in desperate times!
Have conversations or make up stories! - find a way to connect with your kiddies when they are calm and in the mood for play or stories. Adding in examples of how different toys might be feeling and how they can manage it can be extremely useful for a child's emotional regulation development. Think about it, do you ever hear or children play? They have mini conversations and re-enact things that happen to them or that they witness. Pay attention to this.
Sources
https://www.drdansiegel.com/ "The Whole Brain Child", Daniel J. Siegel
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